Well, there's legal or illegal, there's, uh... happy or sad, rich or poor, alive or dead, but there's no wrong or right.

Look, I'm grateful to know the whole story, but you've come a long way since London.

Yeah. You know, we're gonna look like a bunch of waiters out there. Or better yet, some penguins sliding around on the ice.

I'm glad that you've lived long enough to see the dawn of the new world you created, Harold, but the time has come for your god and mine to do battle, and regrettably, our paths diverge here.

And we were elated when they took a chance on a team of completely unknown investigators and funded us to study 1, 000 women with dense breasts, comparing a screening mammogram to an MBI.

I've been a dedicated TED fan and viewer, and also, I actually used to live in Manhattan when I was younger, so New York is like a second home to me, and it's great to be back.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me enormous pride, pleasure and joy to introduce to you, with a short improvisation upon that most melancholic tune, "Greensleeves, " the first four members of the British Paraorchestra.

Imagine if you had access to data that allowed you to rank on a scale of overall happiness which people in your life made you the happiest, or what activities brought you joy.

It's a really curious fact, because Friday is a day of work and Sunday is a day of pleasure, so you'd assume that people will prefer Sunday, but they don't.

I'm pleased to announce that, along with colleagues at Stanford and Caltech and UCSF, we're currently starting an initiative to explore biological dark matter for the existence of new forms of life.

And I'm glad to say now, eight years later, I actually spoke to Nick last night, and he wanted to let me know that he was feeling a lot better, and he doesn't do the self-harming anymore.

Mrs. Alisch cut in front of the line and said, "I taught him how to read." (Laughter) And then something happened that changed my life.

Because of this invention, I was lucky to get a scholarship in one of the best schools in Kenya, Brookhouse International School, and I'm really excited about this.

And you know from personal experience that when you go to the movies, you walk into a movie theater, and if it's empty, you're delighted, because nothing's going to be between you and the movie.

(Clang) (Laughs) Now obviously, as Maddie's chemistry teacher, I love that she went home and continued to geek out about this kind of ridiculous demonstration that we did in class.

But -- and I hope you are expecting a "but" by now -- but that wasn't true for everyone.

(Applause) And this was a beautiful thing for the neighborhood itself, first 50 or 60 days, then 90 days, and then there was unfortunately another shooting in another 90 days, and the moms were hanging out in the afternoon.

Now, you know that New York does place a high value on attracting immigrants, so we were excited about the prospect of growth, but honestly, where were we going to grow in a city that was already built out to its edges and surrounded by water?

This means that as we go to sleep at night, all of us in the last 15 seconds before we drift off to sleep, our final thought should be, godammit, I'm glad that Ireland exists.

We're really excited to announce that the beta version of the molecular animation software toolkit will be available for download today.

That's a hugely important goal, and I'd be thrilled if any of my work contributed to it, but fixing things that are broken in the world is not the only thing that's worth doing.

Now, I hope you will agree with me that these things I've just described to you, each of them, deserves some kind of prize. (Laughter) And that's what they got, each of them got an Ig Nobel prize.

This was waving TV for five and a half days, and people get so extremely happy when they can send a warm message to their loved ones.

And then, once I deal with the context, I then try to make a place that's comfortable and private and fairly serene, as I hope you'll find that slide on the right.

(Applause) The third idea that I want to put to you is preference matching between states and refugees to lead to the kinds of happy outcomes you see here in the selfie featuring Angela Merkel and a Syrian refugee.

At this conference, we've been lucky enough to hear some exhilarating new ideas and discoveries and, really, about all the ways in which knowledge is being pushed excitingly forwards.

She listened carefully and patiently, and then to my joy she said, "If that's what you want to do, and it means so much to you, then let's do it.

After arriving in Mexico, I pulled out a chair by the pool, started reading these scripts and found, to my shock and joy, that most of them were actually quite good.

And I'm pleased to say, in the five years since its launch, we've largely proved that thesis.

(Applause) So I'm happy to report that other cities are hearing about this, other mayors are calling us -- Chicago, Seattle, Denver, Dallas -- and are now starting to implement programs where they bring the dignity of work to the equation.

And because the main part of the building budget was spent on craftsmanship, the school wasn't just a building, it became a real catalyst for local development, and that made me happy.

This is why I am very excited to share "Grantpa, " an online platform that uses technology to match artists with grants and funding opportunities in a way that is easy, fast and less intimidating.

And what's great is, for the introverts, we can write letters while we're making these gifts, so for us, Marks and Spencer, we tried to campaign to get them to implement the living wage.

Can I say how delighted I am to be away from the calm of Westminster and Whitehall? (Laughter) This is Kim, a nine-year-old Vietnam girl, her back ruined by napalm, and she awakened the conscience of the nation of America to begin to end the Vietnam War.

And I'm happy to share with you that besides teaching these principles of nonviolence, we are able to cut suspensions and expulsions by 70 percent, which is huge.

(Applause) And I'm very excited to have him join us, because I know we've saved him, but he will save tens of thousands of students when he shares his testimony in schools that we are present at on a regular basis.

And I'm pleased to say that my family were able to support dad's wishes, and he achieved his goals, and in that sense, he had a good death.